In Search of a Voice

'So finally you've taken to writing ? My old school buddy asked me a few days ago.

I nodded wryly trying to hide a frown .. then suddenly realizing him to be only at the other side of the line and not in front of me.. I start to babble. 'Well .. those who get tired of complaining their entire Iives (with nobody listening) .. takes recourse to writing one day. 'And what exactly have been your complaints ?' my friend asks.

'We all have complaints' .. like .. not being brought up with enough care in our childhood, growing up amidst a pack of brothers-sisters .. our fathers not being quite concerned about our education .. having forced us into professions we didn't like .. our fathers-in-law having duped us by showing the older daughter, keeping the younger and more beautiful one under wraps .. our wives demanding of us as to why we can't throw up more elegant weekend parties like the Ghoshes or Duttas next door .. or worse still get that promotion like our office colleagues ..' I continue to pour out the middle-class bengali grievances forgetting for the time being that the person at the other end speaks a different language .. has a culture different than mine .. Suddenly I begin to grow a fear. 'What if he takes these grievances to be my personal grumblings? My private life which I'd kept buttoned-up from the many prying eyes all these years would come to light in a jiff. How could I forget that I'm talking to a friend after a gap of twenty-five years ?

'Wait .. wait ..', he interrupted as I heaved a sigh of relief. 'I'm sure the youngsters reading this would be bored to death if they were made to listen to such unearthly stories of our generation .. Having said those, will you not agree that despite being brought up with many other siblings, yet we shared such strong bonds with them ? Today many children don't have a brother or sister to play with .. share their feelings with each other .. In our parents' times the elder siblings became the guardians of the younger ones as the parents didn't have enough time for each one of them .. In our times our fathers were still allowed to do that bit of thinking about our careers. These days parents contemplate well before bringing children to earth .. however guiding them to choose their paths in life is something beyond their territory .. Children nowadays have their gurus .. babas .. motivational speakers on social media helping them realize their passions .. go against all odds of the society .. to explain and convince their parents into studying and making career choices according to their inner calling .. the parents nowadays are left with only paying for the school fees and college donations of their wares ..'

'Now who's complaining ? ' I expect him to laugh himself silly but there is a long pause at the other end instead and I wonder if he was unable to recognize my feigned anger behind the sudden surge in pitch of my voice . My friend continues after sometime ' These are all processes of growing up .. Different times have different social environments .. we didn't have media infiltrating into our personal lives then .. from our morning cuppas .. dining plates to couples' intimate moments .. media is everywhere now .. Now say for example the problems stemming out of our personal relations as you mentioned .. most of us accepted them with a pinch of salt in our times ( are still doing .. ) as there never was any point in complaining .. Boys and girls have open discussions before getting into relationships now .. and as arranged marriages are on the verge of becoming extinct .. ( rather marriages are giving place to relationships .. husband -wife definitions have given way to partners .. each of the boy/ girl chalks out the benefits they're going to get out of the relationship beforehand .. and the moment they feel deceived .. they don't complain .. simply get down from the bus and catch another one) so the father-in-laws' persuasion to give away his lesser suitable daughter's hand in marriage is no longer relevant .Today's generation is far more intelligent than us to know how to benefit out of relationships and grow out of these feelings of deceit ..

'Moreover .. as boys and girls have become equal bread-earners .. nagging can't be attributed to wives alone now I guess ' I add.

'Okk .. so now let me tell you how people cope with the happenings around us without complaining ..' my friend finds a pupil in me and resumes his discourse.

'How I ask ?' excitedly.

'By growing a hide ..' 'Yes.. a thick .. hard .. impenetrable hide'

'What do you mean .. the change in values .. common man's problems .. suffering .. death .. how come these don't bother people? I demand.

'Like I said we are not born to be involved in all these' , my friend elucidates .. 'We can only sip our morning teas and tsk-tsk over news of rise in price of dollar .. fall in sensex .. humanity being insulted .. people being mercilessly butchered ..women being raped and after having our rice-dal in peace .. followed by a nice, long, belch take up the matter by sharing posts and counting likes on facebook .. It might not seem as very responsible acts .. but believe me we aren't left with any other choice. This is the only form of protest we can afford .. the war that we can fight by stealing time from our hectic schedules .. our smartphones being our only weapons now. At one time we had either waged the war from inside the cosy comforts of our drawing rooms .. over puffs of filter wills and cups of English Twinnings .. or squatting on the culverts with bidis and tea from cheap canteens to keep our spirits up .. but every time the fight had been only with words .. the middle-class intelligentsia seems to have grown in numbers than before .. and turned more cautious and secured now with the ability to voice their dissent virtually ..

The class that we belong to don't have the time and energy to start a revolution .. so what there are 44.85 million educated unemployed in the country ? So what factories are closing day by day .. trade and commerce are on the decline ? A few of us take pride in our calibre to have a job even in these trying times.. So what the prices of commodities are increasing ?.. we can still afford the luxury of relishing our favourite fishes .. maangsho bhat ( meat and rice, a favourite lunch palate of bengalis) on Sundays .. have sips of the best wine in the market. We have responsibilities galore towards our families .. to get our children admitted into the best school in the city .. get our wives' most sought after jewelry on her birthday .. get our parents health checked regularly .. pay for our flats' EMIs .. car loans .. Amidst all the responsibilities that a middle-class man is born with .. when the responsibilities of being a good citizen .. gets lost.. we fail to know ..

There was silence for sometime again on the other side.

'So which genre have you chosen to write and for which age group ?' My friend returns back to my writing now being aware that he had been straying from the topic since long.

'I haven't been able to decide that yet', I make no efforts to suppress the confusion in my voice.

'What do you mean ? You haven't thought about your audience before starting to write ?

'I didn't know that I needed to .. ' I said dully. There was the sound of a chuckle at the other end that could've hardly missed my ears.

'Okk. So .. What is going to be your first book on ? Not expecting any answer from my side he continues with the conversation..

Anyways .. I suppose you've finished your manuscript .. so have you found a publisher ?

I addressed his queries one by one . I told him that all these years I'd been writing only for myself .. I had been an introvert all along that my friends are well aware of .. I've thought of publishing my stories only of late.

'And why this sudden change ?' He interrupted and I could see him smiling.

'After living all these years in the company of few relatives .. friends .. colleagues (people with whom I had hung out with so often but failed to engage much as I can see now .. ) I've grown an urge to know and connect with people from different spheres of life .. of all ages .. people completely unknown to me ' I was fearing that his next question would be regarding the topic which I dreaded to face nowadays ..

It was a sense of relief that he found it proper not to cross that territory and embarrass me with questions all of my other friends knew answers of without my having to tell them.

However his next question was no less upsetting either.

'You want to become famous I guess ?' You contemplate a long queue on your book signing day waiting impatiently to have their copies of your bestseller autographed .. ?And then faking the tone of childish wheedle .. completely out of tune after the harm done. 'I too want an autographed copy .. Here .. my requisition in advance ..'

I wait for sometime trying to digest the element of sarcasm cutting through my existence like a blade before replying ..

'Every writer preserves dreams of that d- day with care ..' I try to sound unaffected.

'Well .. I've written a story .. in the horror genre .. a little bigger than a short story and smaller than a novella .. Technically it is a novelette I learnt .. I intend to self-publish it on Amazon and it is here I got to know that my book's intended customers would fall in the age group of 18+ known as 'Young Adults'

'Aren't you going for e-book and print copy both ?'

' I'm afraid it'll be only an e-book with less than a hundred pages .. you'll have to wait for the release of the novel I've started writing if you're looking for an autographed copy ..

'So what's the story about ? Or you won't be able to divulge it before the book comes out ?

It's based on some real-life experiences of a family trapped in a desolate hotel in Tarapith .. Have you heard of the place ?

'Of course .. next time we visit Kolkata we plan to visit that place .. You see my wife has lots of reverence for Hindu gods and goddesses of Bengal. In fact since we had been to Kalighat last time .. she was so mesmerized by the idol of Ma Kali .. has read somewhere that the temple at Tarapith allows a special darshan of the goddess Tara in its primordial form to devotees at dawn .. So .. your story is a religious thriller .. I mean horror ? How did you know this family whose experiences .. paranormal I suppose .. you've made into a story ?

Let me say in this context that my friend is a South Indian brought up amidst bengali culture at Kharagpur, the place which saw my childhood .. schooling .. my college life. Our Dads worked in the Railways ( there isn't any necessity of mentioning this I know as Kharagpur can be easily googled to be a railway town with majority of its inhabitants having one of more of their people working in the railways .. nothing has changed much till this day I gather) .. and he lived only three alleys behind our lane. We got admitted to the school on the same day .. I've written about those experiences of my growing up in 'My Lost Diary' .. a series of facebook posts. My friend is now a business manager of a reputed national English daily and is presently settled in Bangalore with his wife and a son in class six.

'I said it is based on some real-life experiences .. if you're interested .. it is being released next week .. it's a Kindle version and the price won't burn a hole in your pocket.' .. I can hear myself telling my friend to cut it out.

'I definitely will .. that goes without saying .. my old school friend has written a book for the first time and won't I read it ?

Can I expect to get the first review on Amazon from you then ?

' Done , yaar ..'

'Thank You' ..

I try to cut out the conversation desperately feigning an excuse of an important call I needed to receive. But my old school friend was adamant into learning more about my thought processes .. rather give me some more pieces of advice on publishing and marketing of my books, as I found out soon. Another Sunday when I was taking my afternoon siesta after having a hearty meal, my mobile rang.

'You've become quite popular in our WA group Abhik. Many of our friends have started following your facebook page and Instagram author profile. I've read some of your stories on facebook too .. I can see you're comfortable in both prose and poetry and you write pretty well .. Keep Going .. But again I'd like to point out that you're not sticking to a genre or particular kind of writing .. Your readers need to find your voice. Otherwise they'd get confused and won't regard it worthwhile to go through your writings after sometime. I know what you're thinking .. Actually I've some friends in the literary circles in Bangalore .. many of them are successful writers .. contribute articles in our newspaper regularly .. that's how I learnt.

'I've read articles meant for helping new authors corroborating what you're saying but I haven't found out that particular genre or age group to whom I feel a sense of belonging yet .. my readers on facebook are both young adults and old people .. and I don't have an appreciable number of them yet ..

Moreover I don't understand how horror .. thriller .. romance .. comedy are different categories in storytelling .. Stories are made from our lives which have fair/ unfair doses of all these. Can't a thriller or horror story have elements of romance or comedy in it ? Going by the happenings around us .. in common peoples lives .. in state .. national .. world politics .. sports .. health .. into which one genre would it be justifiable to fit these stories into ?

Give an example .. whatever comes in your mind right now.

Hmm .. Say for example the recent story of some nurses of a hospital killing a number of street dogs brutally .. Their guilt ? They had been straying inside the patients wards .. running away with food supplies .. messing the floors .. had bitten a number of hospital staff .. perhaps posing threats for the newborns . . and they couldn't be controlled .. 16 puppies were killed with sticks and died of multiple fractures .. their mother had succeeded in tearing away the plastic bag into which it was kept along with the carcasses of her newborns .. Don't tell me you haven't read it .. Your newspaper did the story on the covers .. The incident had triggered outrage from animal rights activists around the world ..

The silence at the other end followed by 'hmm ..' indicated that he was pondering.

'You must've heard of the Hitchcock house in Kolkata ?' I went ahead to cite my next example. A middle-aged man lived with the corpse of his sister dressed in clothes and her two dogs for about six months before the police discovered him. The body of the man's septuagenarian father was also found charred from another room. Though mental health of the man was questionable, yet the real cause of death of his father and sister couldn't be confirmed through investigations of late. The family in question practiced queer rituals .. the neighbours had vouched and ..

Why the name Hitchcock house ? My friend asked.

Did you watch the film 'Psycho' by Alfred Hitchcock ?

Hmm.. I don't remember to have .. I had read some books of the 'Hitchcock and three investigators' series in school .. What's the story of 'Psycho' anyways ?

'Well .. A middle-aged man again there .. is obsessed with his mother so much that lives with her corpse for years .. talking to her .. refusing to believe her to be dead .. His subconscious mind won't allow any woman to go near him and whenever any girl challenged his mother's authority in his mind he kills them ..

I was happy to find that the stories got him hooked, going by the long silence at the other side .. but after sometime not finding a response I was forced into believing that the connection has been lost.

My 'Hello' was however immediately answered with 'Yes go on .. I'm listening .. the Hitchcock stories both on reel and reality had horror .. at best mystery and thriller elements in them .. but where are the romance and comedy elements ?

'The sexual anxiety arising from the man's believed impotency .. as found out from the notes retrieved from the 'Hitchcock House ' was an angle the investigators had also reflected upon later . A romantic relationship with a close relative couldn't be ruled over. Upon entry of a female psychiatrist in his cell during one of his sessions .. the man had asked the woman to strip ..' The newspaper report still fresh in my mind (as these kinds of unusual stories relating to psychological anomalies always attract me) I have no trouble recollecting it in a single breath.

Then after a pause I continue again . 'In one story few women ruthlessly kill dogs .. while in another a man lives with the skeletons of dogs .. depict conflicting psychological maladies .. Now here's the comedy . The city people are taking selfies in front of the 'Hitchcock House ' and posting pictures on social media .. The house has turned into a new tourism spot now .. A local tea-seller claims to have his sales increased umpteen times as a result of the mishaps in the house. Even a Durga Puja organizer visited the house to check if the house could serve as a horror theme for the coming Pujas that year ..'

'In the incident of killing of dogs a number of medical students and nurses had requested the hospital authorities to make the premises dog-free many times since years but it was either due to negligence on part of the hospital authorities' or lack of communication with the Municipal Commission (the govt. body which administered the live stock in the city) that the family of dogs kept on growing .. '

'If the hacking to death of few innocent animals by two educated nurses was .. a horrendous crime .. a reprimandable act .. which went against humanity .. imagine patients sharing their beds with stray dogs .. isn't this a comedy element in the story ? Poor patients who can't even dream of private hospitals and nursing homes .. people who'd come far away from their villages leaving their wives and children behind with the hope of getting proper treatment in a govt. hospital as promised by the political leaders before the elections .. people who've sold their lands .. their cattle .. the little gold they saved for their daughters' weddings to pay for their treatment .. people who are left at the mercy of the hospital authorities and often have to take refuge on the floors due to lack of beds .. '

Did I hear a snirtle at the other end or was it my imagination ? Whatever .. I knew I had to stop now.

' I can smell socialism in the air, Sir' .. it was too late. My friend didn't waste chances of taking a dig at my political beliefs, trying to gauge whether I take the left or right turn ; little knowing that I hadn't been affiliated to any political ideology in the past and never will.

'You like listening to bengali songs .. I know . Have you heard the song by the famous singer .. Nachiketa Chakraborty ? I try to stray away. ' I'm a huge fan of his and have all of his CDs in my stock .. one of the song's lyrics seems very relevant in this case:

He told me he had heard about the singer but couldn't find his CDs in Bangalore yet.

'O that isn't a problem anymore.. You can download all his songs from the internet now'

I gave him the name of the website and he promised to listen to that particular track I had referred to.

You're a fan of bengali songs .. I know. Did you hear about these new genre of bengali modern songs .. they're called 'Jeebonmukhi' .. the trend started by the veteran 'Kabir Suman ' and followed by Anjan Dutt and many others later on ?

'I like listening to Rabindrasangeet actually', my friend clarified.

'Sraboni Sen .. Jayati Chakraborty ?

'Some bangladeshi singers ..

'Rezwana Choudhury Bannya ? Aditi Mohsin ?

'Names I don't remember.. but they're excellent pieces of singing .. I don't understand every word of them yet they make me feel so better .. be it any kind of mood I'm in.

'That's the essence of Rabindrasangeet, my dear . Whether you're happy, depressed, pensive .. there is a song for every mood.

'So .. Abhik .. do you get to watch films now ? Remember how we used to bunk our classes after tiffin to watch English flicks at 'Kharagpur Institute Cinemas?

'Yes .. The hall changed movies on Fridays and Saturday noon show was a must-watch for you, me and Snehashish .. The hall manager was an old friend of Snehashish's dad and everytime three balcony seats would be reserved for us .. During the screening of hit flicks like 'First Blood ' and 'Jaws' when people never tired themselves from standing in long queues, bruising their hands badly, trying to squeeze out tickets through the narrow opening of the ticket counter .. pounding heavily on the closed gates after the declaration of housefull; we were led inside like heroes amidst the furore .. did we not consider ourselves the luckiest ones then ? How can I forget those days ? I really hated to come back home from any movie show failing to grab a ticket ..

'But we watched only English movies those times .. amongst bollywood Big B was in our tastes but could hardly manage to watch his movies .. it was difficult convincing our parents to allow us to watch hindi movies in cinema halls in our times and we had to wait for their telecasts on Doordarshan.' my friend reminded. 'Did you restrict yourself to Big B after that or .. ?'

We had been separated since class ten .. as the father of this old friend of mine had been transferred to South India and after exchange of inland letters and post cards for a few years .. it happened what was inevitable .. we got lost in our own worlds till we found ourselves again on facebook.

'Were you not bitten by the SRK or Salman bug ?' he asked.

'Well ..do you know why I could relate myself to Amitabh's film characters ? Actually college-goers romance stories were not for me .. I liked SRK's 'Dar','Anjam', ' Baazigar' 'Pardes' kind of movies more than DDLJ or K2H2 for that reason .. I believe everything about love and romances shown on screen can't be so stereotyped .. I mean the stories are very predictable. In reality how could a woman have just a single lover or a man a single admirer ? And just because it has to be established that the hero and heroine were made for each other, these other lovers in their lives are made the villains and vamps. Somehow these teenyboppers' love stories appear less convincing to me compared to the ones I mentioned. I fell in love with the character of Kajol in the movie 'Gupt' .. though it is a negative one, but still. I just don't believe love to be without passion .. deceit .. or for that reason without vengeance .. which means crime stems up from love and hatred ..You can't hate someone if you didn't love him/ her at some time ..

'But many of such unconventional movies you're referring didn't do well in the box-office and in line with that ..'

'I know what you're trying to say. Maybe I'll take to writing formula stories if writing becomes my bread and butter later on .. but for now I'd like to give shape to the stories which I like to believe in .. it gives me a sort of relief I can't explain in words .. And unlike roses, sun and moon associated with the conventional others my love stories are bound to have blood in them .

'Well .. I saw some snippets about your novel on facebook. What is it basically about ? Your teaser says 'Not a romantic love Story'. I guess it's not another ..

'As the name implies it's a story of two men and a woman searching for love in their lives. If you go by the conventional standards these people are not heroes or heroines .. rather they've dark pasts which are condemnable .. no .. this isn't a story of supernatural. Technically it is a drama genre. It will be definitely be a print version with 500+ pages. I've 40% of the manuscript written so far. I know I'm going too slow on the project. However I do have another piece of short story coming up which is a crime thriller.

'This will also be .. ?'

'Yes .. an e-book on Amazon .. I want to try with short stories first. I know this e-book thing sounds unwelcoming to Indian readers. By book people here mean hard copies .. I personally like to dive my nose into printed books .. I know I sound crazy but I loved the smell of new books since I was young .. I know many bengalis who love to sport works of Rabindranath, Bankimchandra, Shakespeare, Dickens, Tolstoy in their bookshelves .. to show their guests how cultural-minded they are .. with hardly ever finding the time or energy to turn a page .. The sale of books is going down day by day. Will you believe the publishers of my favorite magazines which I've never stopped reading since my childhood have resorted to advertising on the TV now to sell ? Book fairs now has more people crowding at the TV channels and food stalls than before.. And no .. people hardly go to buy books there. The rise in availability of free e-books online has reduced the number of book buyers. A writer's success lies only in people reading and appreciating your works .. However with a large bunch of plagiarists all over the world, stealing ideas; platforms like Amazon are still better .. I guess .. than others in that a downloaded copy of a book in Amazon's format can't be copied so easily unlike publishing in PDF formats ..

'So .. what movies do you .. ?' I realize after gabbering about myself for a long time that I hadn't asked him .

'I hardly get time after returning home .. during the initial years of our marriage we had watched some conventional hindi movies with lots of drama and melodrama .. but now after being fifteen years together I don't think I have any dearth of drama .. melodrama in my life so that I need to watch a movie ..

Both of us laugh out loud (lol)

(Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals)

.. (To be continued)

© 2019. All rights reserved.